I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Worst perfume name ever.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.