If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Air conditioning – not a fan
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Never be a pizza!
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
me and the Superbowl rn
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.