Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
WAP on, WAP off
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.