Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
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[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated