Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
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Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
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Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
wtf management?!
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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.