In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
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ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child