ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
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Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*