just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
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i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
good work, everybody
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-