I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Spider-cat: No One Home
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”