My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
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[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?