So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
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Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”