BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
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Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Ron is short for Aaronald
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
this will hang in the louvre one day
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.