I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
when u come home smelling like another dog
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁