[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
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Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Not messing around
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Go hard or stay average
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.