Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Sunday
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*