Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
You Might Also Like
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush