“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
You Might Also Like
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”