Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
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No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
sigh
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”