9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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The two types of wives
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Our lord and savoury.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean