8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
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Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Yes my dude
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.