Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
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The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Traveler’s camo
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with