[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
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Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably