10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
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Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”