Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Perfect
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*