@DaveTheAlbino

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

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@Token_Geezer

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

@LittleLostLad

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

@thedailymarker

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

@stevevsninjas

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

@suntzufuntzu

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

@SteevUmc

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

@justabloodygame

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

@saragripka

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me