The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.


Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.


Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.


hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book


Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes


My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?


*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*


No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me