[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
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All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation