Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
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Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Friday
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Terribly Tuesday.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.