*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
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*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse