gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
You Might Also Like
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?