My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I cannot stop laughing at this
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”