Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
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5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
tinder is all about the long game
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler