Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
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Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN