Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me buying fruit and veg
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.