The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
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Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me My dog
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”