NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.