Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
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The point of your 20s
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”