I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
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🙂🙃🥹
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Watermelon Boss!
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
notice
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Name this drama.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!