I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.