Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
When news reporters do sports stories
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?