Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.