Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
#catsoftwitter
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”