When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
reduce, reuse, recycle
why I oughta
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.