Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
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Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*