Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
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Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.