My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I know
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Hotels are back
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.