People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.