i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Shark week, but for squirrels.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.