Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Maths meets science
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.