because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
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Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
This story is comedy gold 😂
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Knock Knock
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Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.