“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
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I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t