Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
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The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Bring back the McRib
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.