I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
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[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?