I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
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[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Quadruple digit IQ
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier