We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.