@memesiwish
@LMuenster [orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
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@LMuenster 
@rn_murse early stone age tool
@volthetime If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
@clindsaysway Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
@ShortSleeveSuit ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
@iGreenGod Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
@Staggfilms Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
@Cryptoterra We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
@Contwixt THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
@thatcarlygirl Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.