@memesiwish

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

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@LMuenster

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

@volthetime

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

@iGreenGod

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

@Staggfilms

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

@Cryptoterra

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

@Contwixt

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

@thatcarlygirl

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.