We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

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My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.


ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god


My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture


I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.


“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!


Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.


“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work


* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes


My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix